Working in the entertainment industry, especially for acrobatic circus shows, had been my life’s dream. A dream which I had, over the years, painstakingly realized. I’d found the backstage experience exhilarating and highly addictive. Magical. In the end, I decided to say goodbye. Yet how do you let go of something that lives and breathes in every fibre of your body?

As a child, I wasn’t much interested in traditional circus, clown shows, or carnival. Any of those things that made other children’s hearts beat faster.

Then, when I was about 18, I saw Cirque du Soleil for the first time on stage. Alegria. Then Saltimbanco. You might as well say Franco Dragone changed my life.

Because from that moment on, I dreamt of one day becoming a part of this community. Of having a show family. And, together, creating magical experiences for the audience.

I kept the dream alive. Experienced many other professions and countries. Finally, in 2009, I found myself as a performer trainer and show diver in Franco Dragone’s creation team for The House of Dancing Water in Macau, China.

Be careful what you wish for, some might say. I was instantly in love. Obsessively so, embracing the experience with literally all my heart and soul. Becoming so absorbed by it, the rest of my life became eclipsed.

In some ways, I forgot myself whilst at the same time experiencing personal growth at an exponential rate, greater than ever before. It was the ultimate rush for someone like me, who treasures growth and learning more than anything else.

I ended up working for The House of Dancing Water for five years.

Then I went to work for WRG, an events management company in Hong Kong, where I helped produce, amongst other things, the annual Symphony Under The Stars.

Afterward, I moved on to stage management and worked for smaller shows.

Then I joined Elekron, a large stadium vehicle stunt show in Macau. Think Mad Max on stage.

Finally, I managed the Aqua Theatre on Royal Caribbean’s Oasis of the Seas as Senior Stage and Production Manager.

Over the 11 years of my career in the entertainment industry, my passion never faltered. I imagined myself slowly moving from show to show, country to country, for the rest of my life.

And I still dreamt of one day working for Cirque du Soleil. Throughout my career in other shows, I never stopped applying for any open stage management position Cirque du Soleil posted on their job board. Yet, they never answered.

Finally, in 2019, after 10 years of applying, I was invited for an interview for a position as stage manager on Nysa, Cirque’s upcoming resident show in Berlin. The interview went very well.

I was shortlisted and received a date for a second interview. Finally, I was getting in! Then, just one week before my second interview, Cirque du Soleil shut down all operations due to the Covid19 pandemic.

Only a few weeks after that, Royal Caribbean also shut down and isolated its entire fleet. There I was with my backpack. Stranded. Out of a job. With nowhere to go.

The circus backstage world does something to you. As you work long hours and drive yourself to exhaustion, taking on extreme amounts of responsibility for the show and– even more importantly–for people’s very lives, you become hooked.

After a while, you can’t imagine ever doing anything else again. So I was lost in the months and years of the pandemic. I ached like a heroin addict experiencing withdrawal symptoms after going completely cold turkey.

The only connection to the entertainment world I had left was writing for TheatreArtLife.

Then, whilst still in lockdown, I found a job as a management assistant for a consulting company. Surprisingly, my stage management skills came in very handy. As did my general ability to be able to deal calmly with constant changes and unpredictability.

Still, my homesickness for working backstage remained. I realized I wasn’t in the moment. I didn’t give myself a chance to fully enjoy my new profession. All I wanted, constantly, was to be somewhere else. Backstage again. Where I felt I belonged. At the same time, the new job grew on me. With every day I found myself–to my own great surprise–enjoying it more.

What I enjoyed most of all was the incredibly professional work environment with well-trained people and the high level of trust and independence I was given. I had not experienced anything like it before. This was leadership at its very best.

I needed to make a choice. And, gradually, I decided to let go. To stick with what I had found and let go of my lifelong dream, my passion, of working for shows.

But I still ached all over.

Even as I became more and more successful in my new role, my homesickness for the backstage world remained.

Then, a few months ago, I read the following quote:

“If you can willingly accept the pain associated with giving up the road not taken, you can embrace the decision and move forward with clarity.” —Susan David

It helped me understand I will always be homesick. The backstage world has become an intrinsic part of me. And I am better for it. It is ok to miss something you love so very much. And it is ok not to return to it.

I know that now. I have embraced it. And, as Susan David so aptly put it, I am indeed now moving forward with newfound clarity. Towards new horizons. Cherishing every new experience.

Most importantly, I am present and focused in the here and now. I don’t need to be somewhere else anymore. I am where I am supposed to be.

This article was originally published on TheatreArtLife.com. Written by TheatreArtLife Content Producer Liam Klenk.

Liam Klenk

Liam Klenk was born in Central Europe and has since lived on four continents. Liam has always been engaged in creative pursuits, ranging from photography and graphic design, to writing short stories and poetry, to working in theatre and shows. In 2016, Liam published his first book and memoir, ‘Paralian’.