Perfectionism was my superpower–until it wasn’t. Growing up in Barbados, life was predictable. We were all expected to focus on academics, attend a good university, find a stable job in a stable career–doctor, lawyer, accountant, engineer–find a partner, get married, buy a house, have kids, and retire.

The arts were seen as a hobby. Something that kids did after school to keep them out of trouble. Making a career out of the arts was almost unheard of. In fact, I barely knew anyone personally who did it. Rihanna was around my age, so she hadn’t become the Rihanna we know of yet. I had heard of people who left the country to pursue their art, but I never knew what became of them, so I had no reference of what a successful artist looked like.

I would say that from the age of nine, I knew I wanted something different for myself. I started dancing when I was five years old and something about it made me feel free. Looking back, I think I clung to it more because it made me different. It set me apart from others on the island. It gave me something to be proud of. Bajans value academia, in particular Maths and Sciences. I was always brilliant at English, languages, history, and writing—all the reading subjects—but I always fell short when it came to the more science-based subjects. And boy was I reminded. What made it worse was that both my sisters thrived in those areas. Teachers constantly reminded me of this. They would say things like, “Are you sure you are Judith’s sister?” Or, “Well your sister is so good at this. What happened to you?”

I knew I was good at dance, so I clung to this as if it justified my being “bad” at science and Maths. I doubled down on dance and worked hard on my craft because, in my mind, this was the only thing I was good at, so there was no room for error. I had to prove to everyone that this was my “thing.” My perfectionism kept me safe from feeling inferior to my sisters and my peers. It became my superpower and my motivation.

Once I decided that I would be a professional dancer, I doubled down on my perfectionism.

I knew that coming from Barbados would make it harder for me to get into a university overseas, so I made sure that neither my dance technique nor my academics would stand in my way. There is a fine line between valuing accomplishment and tying it to your self-worth. I definitely crossed that line. In those years of secondary school and after-school dance training, every accomplishment made me feel more worthy, and every failure made me feel like I wasn’t enough. If I did well on a ballet exam, I felt like I was successful, and if I didn’t do so great, I felt like I wasn’t worthy of accomplishing my dream. These ups and downs pushed me even more. Not only did I get into a great university to study dance, but I went on to have an amazing career–one that others would call successful.

When the superpower becomes a limit

But there is always a limit where something that once was our superpower holds us back. My perfectionism had pushed me to achieve great things in my dance career—my first job on a cruise ship, The Lion King, films and TV shows—but eventually it held me back. While I was in The Lion King, I struggled with anxiety and burnout. I was so focused on proving myself (even though I was already on a West End stage) that I dropped all my needs in the process. I didn’t even know what my needs were. So I would go over all my mistakes in my head before I fell asleep, and I would practice them relentlessly before the show. I set ridiculously high standards for myself, then beat myself up for not achieving them. The worst part was that I thought this behaviour was normal. I was almost proud of it: “Look at how dedicated and disciplined I am.” I know now it was nothing to be proud of and it was nothing to celebrate. It was a cry for help. My soul was begging me to slow down and take care of myself–to remember that I was human.

My breaking point came four years into the show, when I just couldn’t cope with the pressures anymore. Desperate for a solution, I found a hypnotherapist in London. Four sessions in and I had a completely new perspective on life. For the first time in my life, I could separate who I was from all the thoughts and noise in my head. I could see that I am indeed a human first, and that as a human I have needs that must be taken care of outside my craft. I began implementing a lifestyle change that focused on health and wellbeing first, and everything else after. I finally saw that while my perfectionism got me this far, it was now holding me back.

But even though I now know all of this, I still to this day struggle with the trap of perfectionism. It is ingrained in me from all the years of childhood patterning that I am trying to undo. Here are a few ways I am consciously doing this, and if this rings true for you, you can do it, too.

Mindfulness

My mindfulness practice is the first step in breaking out of the perfectionism mould. It starts with me doing 15 minutes of meditation each morning, setting aside 15 minutes of quiet time in the afternoon, and journaling at night. I also make a conscious effort not to multitask throughout the day so that I can bring my full presence to each task that I am doing. This helps me to stay present to any triggers that may come up, or any reactions I may have that stem from my perfectionist patterning.

Inner Child Work

Recently I started doing TBM’s Inner Child Workshop. If you don’t know, To Be Magnetic (TBM) is a wonderful manifestation brand that combines the energetics of neural manifestation with psychology, epigenetics, and neuroscience. Their workshops include audio recordings that bring you to a hypnotic state, where you can call forth your subconscious and rewire unconscious patterns and limiting beliefs that have been holding you back. They also include journal prompts so you can explore these beliefs deeper. I have found their Inner Child workshop to be pivotal in identifying where my perfectionism comes from and consciously changing it.

Is it good enough?

My perfectionism creeps in the most when I am creating a new project. I get so bogged down in little details, trying to “perfect” everything, that it becomes exhausting and stressful. When I find myself doing this, I now ask myself, “Is it good enough?” This one question has shifted my perspective when working on a project. It doesn’t need to be perfect, it just has to be good enough. I also remind myself that done is better than perfect.

The Bottom Line

Breaking free from perfectionism is a difficult, but necessary step in thriving as an artist. It is time we stop celebrating it and see it for what it is: a limited way of being that holds us back from truly excelling at our craft. What are your thoughts on perfectionism?

This article was originally published on TheatreArtLife.com. Written by TheatreArtLife Contributor Crystal Nicholls.

Anna Robb

All around the world there are people working in arts and entertainment. They are not in the industry for the money, the fame or the work/life balance. They are there through a sheer driving force; The need to create. From this community, TheatreArtLife was born.
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